Thursday, 23 May 2013

All About the Girl

Like many young people around the British Isles at the moment, Pea is sitting her GCSE exams.  She has been revising for and taking exams for months on end.  The stress and tension they are put under is far too much, in my humble opinion.  She does nothing but revise for hours and hours each evening.  The two of us have come close to getting a bit cross with each other (which is very unusual for us), when I have told her to put her books away and have a rest and she wouldn't.  She is subject to buzzing noises in her head now when she studies; a clear sign things have gone too far.  But slowly, slowly it is coming to an end.  She has taken five exams this week including two today.  She has six more to go, spread out over the next three or four weeks.  But today is a good day; a big day - her last day at school.

She is supposed to be leaving tomorrow after a morning spent going round the school, thanking her teachers and taking photographs and then attending a ceremony in the afternoon.  Pea bought two simple, pretty dresses for the occasion, but has decided that she really doesn't want to go at all.  She doesn't want to spend money on shoes she will never wear again, preferring her wellies instead.  In all honesty, the opportunities to wear nice shoes here are so remote as to be none existent!  She asked if I would mind not going and I replied that I really couldn't care less about it, I just want her to be happy.  A day at home would do her more good than a day at school, seething with fury at having to be there and hating every minute!

She is an amazing, hard working girl and I am so proud of the way she is.  I am longing to see the light come back into her eyes again when all this is over.  I long to hear her laughter, see her making a mess in the kitchen when she is baking, watch her doing cartwheels in the field and sitting curled up in the chair, her feet tucked under her, reading romantic novels.  I want to see her just having fun.

Tomorrow I hope she just spends time doing nothing and lets all the hard work of this week seep out of her muscles and mind.  If she has a rest for a few days, she will be more likely to cope when she gets back to revision next week.  The boys break up for half term tomorrow so we will have a good week of relaxing and pottering about.  If the sun shines we will go for long walks in the countryside and maybe even a long-overdue trip to the beach, where Pea can forget exams and poke about in rock pools looking for crabs, anemones, and shrimps.

When my first baby was born, over sixteen years ago I had no idea of the way she would change not only my life but also myself.  I became whole the moment she looked at me.  This is what I am here for, this is my role in life.  Being a mother is the hardest, best, most frustrating, most joyful, most challenging and most rewarding job in the world.  You get no pay, no holidays, sometimes no thanks and virtually no recognition for all the effort you put in, every day for years and years.  And yet I would not give it up for a moment to become famous or wealthy.  Motherhood has it's own rewards in ways the world would not notice but are so profound to us.  Tiny things that make our hearts squeeze with joy and pride and make the tears spring into our eyes.  It gives us memories so precious that sometimes I don't even want to share them, they are mine and I hug them close as I once did my babies.  My children amaze me every day.  I delight in the way they are, the things they say and the ways their minds work.  I am dazzled by their intelligence, their nonsense and their humour.  They give me so much more than financial reward.  They hug me and say 'Thanks for being my mum'.  That is my life blood.

So on the last day I will spend by myself until school starts again in September, what am I doing?  Having a massage?  My nails done?  Watching a film with a friend?  Nope, I'm baking cakes for my children's tea and thinking about them.  They will be driving me mad with questions, noise and bickering by five o'clock; their bedrooms will be a right mess and there will be books and clothes on the floor in at least one other room.  But that's my life and I love it.  I am planning on giving Pea a treat or two tomorrow and giving her space and peace to revise when she needs to.  I am looking forward very much to the next ten weeks with my daughter and intend to enjoy them as much as possible.  She will have two years in sixth form at school and then will be off to university.  Knowing how fast the last sixteen years have flown, two will go by in the blink of an eye and from then on there will be very little time we can spend together.  She will be off to uni and then the world will be calling her and she will be unable to resist.  I wouldn't want her to.  I want her to live the life she wants and to be happy and content.  And only she knows how to do that.

Give someone a hug today and laugh a lot! xxx

1 comment:

  1. You're blog today brought a lump to my throat, hormones!! I do hope sweet P will chillax (a 5 yr old in my class taught me this word yesterday!) over the half term, she SO deserves it. If my little C and bump work half as hard towards their exams I`ll b proud. She's an inspiration. I've been trying to drag C away from her mermaids roleplay game in the bath I'm off to try again. Cwtch mawr i bawb xx